My Last 5 Things

This will be my last 5-things email, as government employees have failed to receive any guidance concerning this weekly, inane task started by Elon Musk. To celebrate his parting, rather than listing my own 5 things, I would like to outline the 5 things Elon was able to accomplish during his time as acting president:

1. The DOGE team under the direction of Musk, upended the entire federal government workforce, creating chaos across agencies that were put in place by Congress and which already submitted to regular oversight by agencies charged to eliminate fraud and abuse. This is likely one reason DOGE failed to find any actionable fraud or abuse in their own search. NO charges have been brought and no changes resulted, other than firing 120,000 already underpaid and dedicated employees.
2. Because Musk and his team illegally fired so many employees, they were ordered to rehire up to 24,000. Many of these people had received Outstanding in their most recent year-end reviews but due to the callous nature of Musk’s chainsaw wielding bureaucratic cuts, the termination template letter reported they were being fired for poor performance. The means the firing was abusive. The terms of the letter were fraudulent. The number of human-hours required to re-onboard, re-supply, and re-facilitate these 24,000 people was certainly wasteful.
3. Though claiming to know of $2 trillion in wasteful spending, Musk and his minions were only able to report savings to the US government of approximately $155 billion. In a related task, it is estimated that Musk and DOGE will end up costing the US taxpayers approximately $220 billion, creating an additional deficit to the government of $65 billion, which in and of itself is considered waste, fraud, and abuse.
4. Despite DJT’s extravagant and flagrant use of US resources to fund his many outings to his own golf resorts, Superbowl, NASCAR, and cage fighting events, the DOGE team failed to investigate this waste, fraud, and abuse. They skillfully turned a blind eye to the use of taxpayer dollars for as Trump’s personal piggybank.
5. In the first 100 days of this administration, Elon closed many investigations into his own companies and business dealings while wrangling his interests to the front of the line of those funding ongoing projects. It’s no wonder he’s leaving. He’s gotten everything he’s ever wanted. Including an entire city in Texas dedicated to his graft.

On behalf of a bewildered Nation, thank you Elon for finally leaving Washington and returning to your other failing endeavors.