Advice On Running

Dear Austin’s Acre,

I understand that you’ve started running. I have two questions:
1. What are you thinking?
2. Do you have any advice?

Thank you for your motion motivation.

Stunned and Amazed.

Dear Amazed,

Yes, I have started running and I did it without thinking. That is my first Gem of Wisdom. Don’t think about it or you will never start. If you think about it, you will decide it is too cold. Or too hot. Or too wet, dry, early, or late. Don’t think. Just run.

Actually, the motivation for my running is a very painful story that I have shared with only a few. I think it is time to reveal the depth of my pain and the reason I run.

When I was a young man, I had a true love. She was wonderful. She had beautiful, long, blond hair, silky soft skin, and long, shapely legs. She was also very talented and could play the guitar and sing. But she was never able to fully find herself. No matter how much I loved her, she looked for more. Through a series of sexual relationships and a long history of illicit drug use, she continued to destroy her life. At one point she did come back to me and we enjoyed a wonderful summer together. But I pushed too hard. I asked her to marry me. In the morning, she was gone. All her life, she had been running from love, from commitment, from her past. Now she was running from me. So, I laced my shoes and I started running, too. The entire time I heard her words echoing in my mind, “Run, Forrest! Run!”

Oh, wait. That was the movie I watched last week. Never mind.

As for your second question, I have no advice. Now, in fairness, people who know I’m running have given lots of advice and I’ve tried it all with some success. Below are just a few of the words of wisdom I’ve received from well-meaning friends and not-so-well-meaning enemies.

1. Run every day and pray you don’t pull a hamstring or blow your Achilles.
2. Run every day and increase your distance to prevent soreness.
3. Take Motrin. Take lots of Motrin.
4. Drink lots of water.
5. Buy good shoes.
6. Buy good socks. (Advice from the guy who sold me the good shoes.)
7. Use the bathroom before you run.
8. Don’t use the bathroom before you run.
9. Bring home milk and bread.
10. Stay off my street. My dog barfs whenever you run past.
11. I didn’t know someone your size could actually run.
12. I’ve seen you. You can’t run. What you do is more of a “Shuffle”. Drink more water.
13. Your dentist called. It is time for another cleaning.
14. You’ll run faster if you drop 50 lbs. You might want to leave the TV at home.

As you can see, people care. They really do. And it is this love and my non-stop running that replaces Jenny’s loss and motivates me to run farther and faster with each passing day.


  1. Wow, how impressive! I bet you make it to the end of your driveway and back. I will ask Anita to place water at the end so you can make it back to the front door.Keep on truckin’.

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