The Great American Novel (revised 12/17/04)

I have always wanted to be a writer. I love books and have many because they do quite a bit to class up an empty bookshelf.

In fact, even now, I am listening to a new book on tape because I hate to read. The tape is called, “You Could Write A Novel If You Weren’t So Lazy”. In summary, the author states that any future fame as a writer is dependent on I writing a bunch of words. I believe him. The author states that only 5% of anything a person writes is worth reading. I did the math.

The average paperback novel runs about 200 pages. Follow me on this: If I write 100 pages, I will only be able to keep five of them. If I write 1000 pages, I can keep fifty. Therefore, I only need to knock out 4000 pages to end up with a decent novel. This is page one.

Of course, the shear volume of pages cannot be the sole basis of a great book. Even I know there must be content! And the content must be relevant to the reader. The more relevant the content, the more readers you can snag. The more readers, the more books sold. The more books sold, the fewer books I have to write before I can retire. My goal is to only write one book so it must be very good.

Therefore, I have determined that the world needs a book that provides much needed information concerning multiple topics, in paperback, or preferably audiotape. I am currently developing several topics of importance: Potty Training, Plumbing, and Tree planting. It is obvious from my volume of research that none of these topics have been combined in any book on tape (I assume they’ve not made it to print either). So, the responsibility falls to me.

I will need a different chapter for each of these important topics. You might wonder how I would make a transition from one chapter to the next. This is not difficult if you think creatively. Watch this…

Chapter 1. Potty Training. This leads the reader (quite naturally, I might add) to the issue of The Potty. This opens the door to…

Chapter 2. Plumbing. From plumbing, we make the astute observation that the end product of all plumbing is the sewer and from the sewer we get fertilizer. All living things need fertilizer, ergo, we plant living things, and trees are living things. See how easy that was?

Chapter 3 writes itself. I am halfway home to a great book.

I still have not decided how I will work in the chapters on amphibious assault and gumball machines but I am still in the spit-balling process.

As you can see, this new book is a sure success and I am very excited about it. For my first venture into the world of writing, I feel confident about the entire project. I will notify you all after my publisher pays the advance.

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