But I have been paying attention and, I must confess, I’ve become an Election Junkie. I’ve watched the debates. I’ve donated to a candidate. I have a bumper sticker. I mowed the word “VOTE” into my front lawn. I’m really into it.
I’m SO into it that I want to ask for your help. I’m running for State Senator in the 20th District of Indiana. My opponent, Howard “Luke” Kenley, is running a dirty campaign. He has convinced the state to keep my name off the ballot. Of course, I may have missed the filing date but that won’t stop me from running against his political machine. I am ready to take on the Indiana Insiders. And I’m ready on day one.
Because my name does not appear on this year’s ballot, I’m asking that every voter, eligible and ineligible, American Citizen or Illegal Immigrant, Republican or Democrat (heck, I’ll take Independents), write in Charles Curtis Austin on Election Day.
I’m serious. Just write it in. Just add my name. Just ask for a pen and jot it down.
Okay, I know you have some reservations about this “Mr. Smith Goes to Indiana” approach to politics. I can understand your concerns. You probably need my platform. Yes. That’s it. A Platform. Of course, I have a platform. And I don’t mean the shoes I wore to the Disco Palace in 1979 when I slow danced with Dawn during the playing of “Sail On” by the Commodores.
I have a 10 point plan to help turn this state around and make it a leader, a stand-out state. I believe, under my leadership, Indiana can become the “Crossroads of America”. Here is my platform, my plan, if you will.
1. War is bad unless it is necessary. But even if necessary, it is still evil. So I say, bring our men and women home when they’ve finished what they started. Never leave a job half-done.
2. Don’t just feed people fish. Teach them how to fish. Or grow canola for oil or corn for Ethanol. Either way, they should be busy doing something productive so they don’t think about how hungry they are.
3. Reading is Fundamental. But then, so is math and writing. So we really should focus on all three, I guess. I’d also give free lunch to the kids because I always like that Beef Manhattan and Chili Con Carne.
4. Just say no to drugs. You probably ought to cut back on the cigarettes and booze while you are at it.
5. Don’t ask what your state senator can do for you…ask what you can do for your state senator.
6. Don’t allow the tail to wag the dog. I’m not sure what this means but I think it would look ugly and is probably cruel to animals and I’m against that.
7. Fix our Roads. There is this big pot-hole right at the entrance of my addition and I hit it in the mornings going to work. As State Senator of the 20th District of the GREAT State of Indiana, I vow to get that hole fixed. It might not occur in my first 100 days in office but before my second term is up, I WILL have the hole filled.
8. A Chicken in Every Pot. People like chicken. My only concern is that recently I’ve heard that some people don’t even have a pot to piss in and this is an outrage. Why would you piss in a pot when there could be a perfectly good chicken waiting to go in it? I think the fundamental problem with this state is that people do not know how to use their resources. We have one of the best plumbing systems in the nation. Pots are not intended NOR necessary for what is, I assure you, an important bodily function. Use the bathroom. We will never move up the political evolutionary ladder if you keep peeing in pots.
9. The Buck Stops Here. As you can imagine, running a campaign, even at this late date on the election calendar, requires lots of cash. I have to run the kids to school events, get groceries, mow my lawn. And ALL of that requires gas, which costs a LOT. I don’t know how elected officials can afford to do all these things unless people donate to their cause. So donate now.
So that’s my platform. I could not think of ten things I really believe in. I almost had one but then Lionel Richie’s voice started ringing in my ears and I was taken back to Dawn’s awkward sway on the dance floor as she tried to keep me from falling off my 3 inch tall shoes.
So, in conclusion, I want to ask for your confidence, your money, and most importantly, YOUR VOTE.
Thank you, and God Bless You. God Bless America. God Bless Indiana. And God Bless Mommy and Daddy. Amen.