Using My Gifts

Dear Pastor Eric,

I am going to come to the try-outs for vocal community. I would like to join / lead this amazing ministry of the church and once you hear my voice, you will understand why. My singing is certainly a gift that God has blessed me with – it is a powerful spiritual tool and I am anxious for others to be blessed by my obvious talent.

I have found that my best singing occurs either in the shower or when I’m wearing a red spandex body suit and cape. Because this is a church ministry, I will come in the spandex, rather than my shower.

I will perform 6 pieces for your listening & viewing pleasure. Will it be possible to have an 8 track tape player available? I do some of my best performances while singing along with the original recordings.

Here is my performance list. I believe this reveals the diversity that I can offer the worship arts ministry of the church.

Classical: The William Tell Overture. I will hum along and pretend to ride a horse back and forth across the stage. This is a fantastic opening number that captures the hearts of the audience.
Popular: YMCA by the Village People. This tune encourages audience participation and provides an opportunity to show off my spandex and cape.
Children’s: Old Yeller Theme (from the heart-wrenching movie portrayal of a boy and his Yeller dog, name Yeller, who dies tragically from a gunshot wound to the head after coming down with hydro-phobee after saving his boy from the wild pigs and the vicious dog). I will creatively interpret this song in story form, including the pig attack and Sissy’s offer of a new pup. It culminates in the dramatic & tragic death of Yeller. I often need a 10 minute break following this piece just to compose myself.
Stage & Screen: Bette Midler Songs: Wing Beneath My Wings/From a Distance/Otto Titsling medley. ‘Nuff said, don’t you agree?
Patriotic: The Star Spangled Banner. I hope the fire marshal is not present for this one! I have sparklers for this amazing rendition that combines my vocal genius, a kazoo, a snare drum, and pop-gun.
Religious Finale: FRIENDS by Michael W. Smith. Popularized in the 80’s, my personal version is a moving tribute to all the little people who have helped make my singing ministry a reality.

I do have an Encore prepared, should you wish to see it. You will not need to have any audio-visual equipment for this last song, as I will perform the encore on my guitar. I’m sure you will agree that Candle on the Water, from Pete’s Dragon, is the perfect ending to his impressive musical package.

After seeing this inspirational line up, I will understand if you want to cancel the rest of the auditions. Just let me know when you want to meet. I have some really good ideas about changes that need to be made in the way you’ve put together some of the most recent worship sets. Believe me, you will thank me later.

Your new best friend and musical genius,


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