Oh, The Things I Hear

From day to day, I hear things. I don’t mean voices in my head (none that I’m admitting to). I mean funny phrases that people say. Things that were suppose to be one thing but came out another…

For instance, one day my wife was working in the yard. It was hot. She was thirsty. She came into the house and said, “I am as dry as a fish.” I still laugh when I think about this. I stopped in my tracks. Dry as a fish? Are you sure? She said it again. “I am as dry as a fish now give me that glass of water.”

What she meant to say was, “I am as dry as a fish out of water.” I don’t know that that is a real phrase either but at least it makes sense.

My daughter was listening to a conversation we were having about my niece. She can’t drink milk without having an upset stomach. As we talked about this gastric malady, my daughter stopped us and asked, “So what is Black-Toast-Intolerance?” After we finished laughing, we explaining that it is someone who gets upset when breakfast is burnt. We straightened her out.

Recently, I received a call from a woman who told me about her plight at a local hospital. She was having difficulty making a decision and the staff were pressuring her. According to this caller, she was informed that they were going to call down the Ethnic Committee to help her make her decision. I suddenly pictured a group of Italians in lab coats threatening to break her legs if she didn’t have the test done. “We’s can do this the easy way or the hard way. Now hold out your arm or we’ll’s be fittin’ you’s with a pair of cement scrubs & you’s’ll be sleepin’ wit de’ fishes…”


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